The Manic Side Of My Depression

For me? When depression decides to lift a bit I tend to get immediately manic. Today I feel better than I have in weeks but I’m also a bit overwhelmed by energy.

What started it all? Good news I discovered a few days ago. My mediocre efforts toward increasing my exercise, coupled with my commitment to eating more healthy and despite my continued struggle with alcohol have all paid off. I accomplished one of my major weight loss goals. I was at 220 lbs when I started and I want to be at 170 lbs. When I did my weekly weigh-in in my living room? I have broken the 200 lb threshold. I’m halfway to my goal.

And with that? I decided not to get wine that day. I spent the past three weeks pretty much at the bottom of a wine bottle so it wasn’t easy the first day. I was sick to the point I was nervous about it. Shakes and dry heaves. I could barely lift my head for the spinning. Today I woke up feeling much better. Today I am working on my fourth day sober.

I feel like a veil lifted a bit and I suddenly have more energy.

Then I spent my energy cleaning. Not just dusting and tidying but pulling out things from walls to scrub floors and reorganizing cupboards. My bathroom sparkles. I cleaned my stove and fridge. Every carpet is vacuumed. I have wanted to do this for a long time but couldn’t muster myself to do anything except sleep and drink.

I also danced the entire time. It has been so long since I have just danced for hours but I danced as I cleaned. Took breaks from cleaning just for dancing when my favourite songs came on and I still have energy left to spare at the moment so I started an art project I have been meaning to do.

I suppose I should be happy for the energy.

However along with the energy comes rapid thinking. Any time I sit down just to relax for a minute my mind is flooded with everything at once. The homework from my therapist I need to do, the calls I need to make, writing out my next month’s budget and my grocery list. I think about all the things I still want to clean. I end up getting up to do something because I can’t get my mind to quit and I need to focus on something. Even as I sit and write this? Mind still has other things whirling in it like what else I should write about.

I usually enjoy the mania for a couple days before it subsides. I wonder how long it will last. After the mania comes a brief time of relaxation that can lead to poor decisions like drinking too much or remaining stagnant on the couch. Those things usually lead into the next cycle of depression.

I’m determined to break the cycle. I want to feel in control. I just need to figure out how.

But today feels good. I have gotten a lot accomplished and I am sure I will sleep well tonight.

Meth, Yep I Did That

Let’s talk about meth. I liked it. A lot.

I was introduced to it by a friend who had smoked crack with me previously. He knew I wasn’t into that anymore and asked if I wanted to try meth. OF COURSE I did! I have this manic, try anything once, personality~

Despite what people say? I didn’t find it nearly as addictive as crack. And, if you’re going to get addicted to a really bad hard drug? Meth is at least cheaper. How horrible a statement is that? But my crack addiction got up to hundreds a day and smoking meth really only ever cost me about $20/day . Well, when I was being conservative.  I was in a position to enjoy my ‘habit’.

But, like any hard drug? It runs you down quick. I found myself doing compromising things just to find meth. Like taking taxi’s into to dangerous places in the middle of the night. Or putting other people’s  situation’s in jeopardy for my own needs/wants. I’m not that kind of person, generally, but drugs turn you into someone you don’t want to be.

I knew I was on a dangerous path and wasn’t sure how to get off it.

Mojo was moving to the forest. He was my friend and I thought maybe I could go along. So he took me. He had no idea when we left that I was addicted to meth. That I CHOSE to follow him to the forest so I could find recovery. That my last hit off a meth pipe? Was the morning we left, in his cousin’s shower. He knows it all now. He was amazed I didn’t show any signs of withdrawal. Proud of me for how I handled my shit while I was going through that.

Like any other hard drug? I have no desire for it again. It’s been years. I learned the lessons I guess I was supposed to for making that stupid life choice. I hurt people. Used people. I have regrets. Any time you take on hard drugs you hurt people. Recovery means facing that.

I’m glad that is all in the past!

Ultrasounds

Over the course of my surgeries and disability issues I have been for so many tests. US’s, CT Scans, Barium Swallows (I’ve had 5).

I went for ultrasounds yesterday. I read the requisition so I knew  they were looking at my stomach. I regurgitate a LOT. The last time I had an US was in Winnipeg. It showed my small intestine was herniating into my stomach. My new doctor likely just wants to check in on that. The other part of the req? My lower belly. I have scar tissue. Lately it has been growing and painful, so my doctor put that on the requisition as well.

Two things.

I tried to calm myself about the whole procedure when it started to get long.

Why?

She took WAY MORE pictures than on my requisition. Stomach and lower abdominal were on the requisition. When she moved over to my spleen and asked about my gall bladder? I knew she was off the path of the requisition.

I re-focused by asking her about her job.

I asked her how she came to be a US Technologist. It takes years. She started out in X-Ray and general radiology but decided to specialize in Ultrasound. I asked if she loved that she got to tell people about their babies? NOPE! Worst part of her job and she tries to stray from obstetrics.

We talked and laughed about how she developed her career. She asked about mine, how I lost that part of my life and came to be on her ultrasound table that day.

Seems like a whole lotta talk for two scans, right?

Well…  as I suspected, and watched, as we chatted? She scanned it all. Liver, spleen, both kidneys. I saw the scan labels as they popped up with each picture. She was very thorough and I am very grateful.

Something I learned about Ultrasound, compared with other radiology specialties? US Tech’s have more ‘diagnosis’ involved. Other scans (X-rays, CTs, MRIs) show everything and most doctors can read/understand it in a general sense.

Ultrasound techs? They see things as they are taking pictures and take more pictures if they see something they question. They take it to the radiologist, who takes it to your doctor! But it’s the US Tech who catches it. Heroes!

I can’t say I’m not freaking out right now. She took so many more pictures than on the requisition because (from talking to her) she feels sense of being thorough about her job!

She saw something. I jumped with pain at one point. Her face softened, she took a bunch more scans than on the requisition, she became soothingly calm in her demeanor; a change from the first point of the exam. And she told me my doctor will be in touch right away.

My doctor will be in touch right away?

Okay. I have anxiety as one of my health issues. Kinda in full blown panic today. WTF did she see? She scanned all of everything she could.  I saw the pictures with their labels. She had that face of deep concern as her demeanor changed from ‘technologist’ to someone who cares and sees something wrong and sad.

And because I a prone to panic, also going through other issues (family deaths, etc) I am trying to calm myself by questioning my judgement about what I saw on her face.

But I didn’t see anything good on her face. And she took so many extra pictures. And she told me my doctor will be in touch right away. And I’m scared.

I’ve been dealing with my health issues, without doctor supervision, for several years. Now that I have a doctor again I am kind of scared about what this neglect has done. I’m going for my tests. I’m doing what I need to.

But it seems even ultrasounds scare me these day!

 

 

Gone Like The Wind

My ex is gone. He’s left the province.

The news of his departure was a shock to me. We had agreed we were friends and amicable. I was taken aback when a  friend of his showed up at my door to say Mojo was gone without a goodbye.

I don’t have a lot of details about his leaving. Some people say he’s gone on an extended walkabout, others speculate more darkly about is departure even questioning if he has decided to take his own life. The details I DO have are uncertain and I don’t feel a need to add my own concerns to all the speculation because I have no idea what his choices will be from here.

What I DO know? He isn’t dead. I’m pretty sure I would feel that in my soul.  But he’s left for a long while. I know he will be in contact with me when he is ready and able, I just feel that. But in the meantime? I know he is troubled and anxious.

Everything else is left in the unknown at the moment.  Where he is. How to contact him. What he is deciding to do from here. When he may be back.

I’m used to sending him messages throughout the day. I’m used to emailing him funny pictures I see or videos of my cat that no one else would appreciate. I’m used to him. Just him. Being here.

I have this huge hole in me. It was one thing to be fighting or seeing less of each other to help heal. It’s another thing entirely that he is GONE. Without a way to contact him. He’s been the one I lean on for so long. Even when we have been apart he’s my source of strength and my strongest cheerleader until now.

I feel alone. I feel lost. And I’m a bit scared because I have no idea what this means from here.

Making Amends

My ex (Mojo) and I had some people come into our lives when we first arrived to the island. This couple was very familiar with our past situation and they have mutual friends with us. We looked each other up online and started to become acquainted.

I really like the husband as a friend to us. His wife was more someone I tolerated because I enjoyed the budding ‘couple’ friendship and potential for community. But we butted heads. We are very different people.

When Mojo and I separated they are the people who took him under their wing. Her and I had some very belligerent online conversations about all that and I know I offended her deeply.

If I want/need to see my ex? It’s better it happens where he lives.  So I go there. However, even though I am allowed to be there? She is so upset by my very presence and it taking it out on him.

It’s time for the apology. I know I’ve needed to find a way to make peace with her and I’ve come to realize the things that were my part in the situation. So here it is. It’s being hand-delivered shortly!

Dear (name removed),

I’m writing this note to hopefully bring some peaceful amends to our current situation.

I know I sent you some messages that were awful. I want to apologize for talking to you the way I did. I was trying to communicate my own problem and instead I attacked you personally. I used the worst verbiage, swearing and name-calling, as my mechanism of self defense. I apologize for using inappropriate language and personal attacks on you. I’m getting healing and trying to communicate better.

I appreciate any of the ways you have helped me in the past. I am grateful for the way your family and community continue to help (my ex). I think you have a heart with the best intentions.

I want to live peacefully with all my community, especially the people who have (my ex) there. I want to be around him without making conflict for him in his community.

I am still healing. I know I am not ready to TALK to you about this. But I am open to a dialogue online. In the meantime, there are things I can promise as my effort as peace and reconciliation:

1.  I will say hello. I won’t ignore you. I can be polite and cordial.
2. I’m not looking to disrespect you or throw my presence in your face. I will be discreet when I am invited to visit (my ex). And, again, polite and respectful if we so happen to see each other.

What I am cautiously and respectfully requesting?

Please don’t confront me. I’m asking if you NEED a face-to-face discussion with me please respect I’m still in a very delicate place of healing. Let me know you need to talk and I will prepare myself to be ready for open discussion instead of being put in a position of defense.

You can choose to forgive me or not. Regardless, my apology is sincere and I hope it brings some peace to BOTH our homes.

From the heart,

Shaunda

Still Drinking

Yes. I’m still drinking. Still an alcoholic. Still doing more talking than trying to cut back.

So, how am I ‘trying’? Well, I’ve been trying to hang out with more sober friends but I don’t know many. The one I have is too far away or only close by on weekends/holidays. BUT? I have her.

Also, my budget doesn’t allow for booze every day. The last two weeks of the month I am not drinking unless someone else offers. That happened more often before the conflict I had with a couple people around here. However I’m okay it happens less now. I do have this one friend who I hang out with that pays for any alcohol we have together (and he drinks more than I do so… yikes, right?) but I am even trying to cut back in that situation as well.

However? I am still drinking. When my bills are paid, groceries bought and I’ve gotten a few treats for myself? The rest is still going to wine or vodka. I have other things I want to do. They aren’t needs I’m avoiding but they are awesome things I could be doing to take my mind off drinking if only I could take my money off wine.

Like what? I’ve been given two pieces of fabulous wood that I want to paint for my yard. For the cost of one bottle of vino? I could get the additional paints I need. I have most of them and the tools. So why am I not spending my money on the paint? And my time avoiding my addiction by painting it out? I’m gonna guess depression that is exacerbated by drinking answers that.  Pretty sure my therapist will agree.

Also, I am starting to garden more. Despite my neglect during depression, many things survived. So I’ve been giving it more attention, harvesting  things that went well and planting second rounds. My garden keeps me focused the past couple weeks. It is something I can focus that energy on to take away from the desire to walk to the wine store. I can winter garden any frost hardy plant, so I plant to garden year round. I need to not lose myself in alcoholic depression for weeks or months at a time to be successful. I WANT to be successful at this.

I have more and more desire to quit. The days I haven’t been drinking I feel better. I have no clue why that doesn’t stop me from picking up wine. That’s another discussion altogether. But I pick up less wine or booze lately. I even went to the park bonfire the other day and took a glass of water. The beer flows pretty freely there and I never joined in on it.

My steps are small but I still have all this on my mind and I am working on it in my own ways.

Comfort

I had a really terrific talk with the owner of the park about my bullying situation. I explained it from the understanding they believe I am breaking a park rule and have brought harm to their friend.

I told him I’m not breaking rules and gave my evidence to him. He’s aware of the other part of it already. Then I explained how they are using their opinions to slander me and publicly attack or shame me.

He reassured me I am wanted here. He was genuinely concerned I was uncomfortable where I live. He’s going to talk to the instigators about it and if I ever have an experience like it again I am supposed to call him immediately so he can deal with it as it is happening.  Our conversation ended with a big hug.

I felt a lot of personal comfort after our conversation. My anxiety about leaving my personal space has waned. I decided to try and bring some of that comfort about the situation to the park. I know it’s still not good to approach the people involved so I made it a spiritual endeavor.

I started by collecting rocks from around the park, in front of trailers of people I’d had the interactions with and from the peaceful place I was doing my ritual. I thought about peace as I collected them. Then I took things from my home that each person had given me previously and something important to me from my home. I used the stones to create the rune symbol for comfort and put the items in the centre. I lit candles around it for cleansing. And I sat there with thoughtful intention and wished for comfort where I live. I toasted it with wine and poured some out on the circle to include my neighbours.

It was a short, sweet ceremony but I feel a lot of internal comfort after. I know I can be friendly and happy without worry. I don’t need acceptance from anyone who would judge me but I do want to live peacefully and comfortably in the community I’ve chosen to call my home right now.

 

A Change Of Mindset

It’s been a while since I’ve done Psylocybin. I couldn’t find them for about a month and a half. I finally found some but I sat around and waited.

I’ve been very depressed so I was scared of them a bit. I thought about waiting for full moon and using them in a ceremony of some kind to help with my intense sadness. Then an old friend reminded me that sometimes they can be used to bring laughter.

I usually think of that as recreational use. I stray from that to keep them for spiritual purposes. I really had to think about it before I came up with a plan.

Recreational healing. I really needed to laugh and smile. I wrote it all down, right down to the movie I chose to watch. I picked it because it had bright colors, music and it always made me smile. (Enchanted)

My spiritual intention with recreational healing? I needed laughter. I hadn’t laughed in days. I needed to ease my anxiety. I know that even recreation-ally, psylocybin brings an after affect of calm. And I just wanted to feel some life in me. I’ve been so dormant.

I figured if I could get past some of those issues I could get back on my path.

Ah, but, mushrooms take you on the journey that you need, which is not always what you want. When done with intention of healing of any kind? They’ll give you the healing you need because it comes from within you.They just make you more open to it.

There were only brief moments my mind would allow me to focus on the audio of the movie so I am glad I was familiar with it.

I highly recommend the movie so I’ll try not to spoiler it but…

There is a moment in the movie when the princess character experiences anger for the first time. I learned I am guarding so many of my true emotions like a Disney character. It’s like ignorant bliss will make them go away. Except I find my ignorant bliss in a bottle of wine.

The rest of the audio I heard was pretty dark. Mostly the evil queen saying there are no happy endings. She spread a lot of misery that I never noticed before.

I micro-dose when I so mushrooms. So I was coming down by the end of the movie. And I learned a lot of things but they came from a place of darkness.

I sobbed for a few hours after the experience. All the dark stuff I faced about myself was so difficult.

I know I have been admitting my issues and accepting responsibility in a lot of areas of my life but my mind was opened to a lot of ways I am still blaming my issues on past experiences instead of past choices.

I’ve had a slump in healing. I think I wasn’t accepting responsibility for past choices. The ones that led me to where I am now. While accepting my blame in my current circumstances I was still somehow excusing past behaviour as being, well, past. I haven’t come to terms with the fact it was all my choices that led me to where I am right now. EVERY step, not just the past four years.

I was flooded with the thought that if I want happiness I need to make it. It is within me not found in outside sources.

In the moment I faced my own responsibility it seemed daunting. It’s why I sobbed. And then I talked with a friend who gave me comfort enough I stopped crying. And I slept.

the most beautiful thing about psylocybin took hold. That calm. It’s like a peace after you’ve learned something. It’s a release that lets you move on.

I slept so well. Better than in weeks. And today I don’t feel despair. Today I went for a walk, took care of my garden, vacuumed my floors and did things I haven’t been able to do in so long. I began working on my plan for full moon. And I smiled a lot today.

Regardless how challenging the lessons, healing through psylocybin always brings a calm peace afterward. What I’ve read, and also experienced, is traces of it stay in your system for about two weeks.

I experience that openness to growth as an after affect for a while. And the ability to take action on it. And no depression.

I’m glad I chose to take some mushrooms yesterday. They sure caught me by surprise with the learning but it’s what I needed. A kick in the ass mentally!

The Therapist

My new doctor hooked me up immediately with the local mental health practitioner. I’m so grateful.

I get the vibe she isn’t meant to be a long term counselor. She travels up from another town to help people closer to my area. She recommends many of the programs and things available I should take advantage of. They are even further than getting to her but I am making a true effort to take her advice.

In the meantime? She has met with me more than once. She encouraged me by saying I am making more progress than I am giving myself credit for. And she told me to make another appointment.

Toby reminds me of my favorite counselor back in Winnipeg. I have difficulty connecting enough to be truly open but Toby makes me comfortable. I didn’t quite accomplish the things she asked me to attempt, but I made a real effort. Today I am checking out the programs she told me about.

I was anxious about returning to a session without completing tasks. But she made me feel like I had other realizations and accomplishments that were equally worthy. She set me on the path to keep trying. I told her about my current situations that were causing stress or anxiety, and how I am coping. She gave me a sense that I am on the right path.

She gave me her email address (which isn’t on her usual business card) and told me I can connect with her there any time because phone calls are difficult for me.

I haven’t had ‘counselor’ care in so long. This feels like such relief. Even when she has to move me on to someone permanent? I trust her to help me find someone who can really help me.

 

Days Of Darkness

Darkness. Depression. Despair. Despondence.

Call it what you want. When it goes on for days that turn into weeks, you begin to feel hopeless. Hopelessness turns to helplessness and you spiral down.

That’s where I am right now. Down. I’ve been in hiding. My attempts to venture out have been met with my own anxiety and have driven me back to hiding in my trailer. The avoidance of things, lack of motivation and general lethargy have left me in a deep sadness. Crying on my couch for days at a time. My sign out letting everyone know to stay away. Lack of eating and self care.

I wish that being able to see all of this happening to me could help me change it. I try. I leave my place for moments only to come back in tears because I can’t handle even simple hello’s from others.

It makes me feel stupid  Trying to go out and do things, but failing, makes me feel even more helpless and want to hide more. So I stop forcing myself, don’t do anything, and then feel like even more of a failure for not trying.

BUT? I made it to my appointment with the mental health practitioner the other day. It was my first appointment with her. She gave me two tasks and a next appointment. I haven’t completed the tasks but they are easy enough that I can do them before I see her again.

She gave me information for resources that I know will help but I haven’t called yet. Phone calls are hard for me. Anxiety makes me feel like as soon as the other end says “hello” I am entering conflict. Even if that isn’t true. I often hang up, cry a bit and try to call again.

I haven’t made any progress since speaking with her. Just making it to that appointment felt like progress this week. Epic fail on the progress. More like regress with a ‘still can DO’ attitude that isn’t even warranted.

So that is where I am at. In a very dark place. Really trying hard to see light. I know it will come. I know it always does. But right now it is very very dark.