Smiling

So my day began with a buttload of depression sinking in with a feeling like it was going to stay. Writing about it inspired me. I should try and do one more thing no matter how small.

I decided the best thing for me if I could only do one thing? Tidy!  I vacuumed and swept my floors. It helped!

Now? I’m listening to music and making some dinner. My caregiver is here making sure I eat tonight and that I feel better about my day. I’ve got some awesome new tunes added to my playlist (thanks to Glee!). My kitten is so active and cute today. I have a lot of reasons I am smiling.

Tomorrow? I’m going to town for groceries and hit up the library for a bit. It should be a partly sunny day so I’ll hit the park and chill with  Sami (yes, she is coming because I won’t leave her alone yet). I haven’t been ‘out’ in a while so it will be good to do that. And? I’m looking forward to it.

So at the end of my day? I feel like I did things to make progress. I tidied a bit, have plans for tomorrow and I added new tunes to help me get on my feet and moving. They feel like insignificant steps, or like they will be in the eyes of others. But for me? Those are big things today.

They are hope and I am smiling for hope!

 

Feeling Depressed

Yep, I’ve slipped down that slope into depression. It’s not an intense sadness or anything. My depression presents itself in lack of motivation, lack of self care and serious introvert tendencies.

It’s only been a few days to a week but I am in my home sitting on my couch, marathon watching shows on Netflix and slowly tanking emotionally. I did go out for a bit on one of the days but even offers of drinks couldn’t keep me from coming home to be alone. I feel like my mental health is preventing my spiritual healing right now.

I’m not dancing at all and I know it would help.

I am neglecting my housecleaning so I know that is affecting me. An untidy space throws my mind into chaos and I know that. Still won’t get me off my couch. I actually looked at my filthy bathroom and cried the other day. But I still haven’t cleaned it.

I have my “Do Not Disturb” sign permanently hung outside my door meaning my only social contact is my estranged husband coming by to help me with my eating and health stuff. I’m ignoring my online friends for no reason other than I have no emotional energy for anything.

Things I am holding on to for hope I will get out of this soon?

Recognizing what is happening is a huge step. It’s not really preventing the depression, at the moment, but it’s giving me hope that I’ll pull out of it before it goes too far.

At least I’m drinking coffee or water alone on my couch. I’m not sitting here day drinking all day. When he comes by my husband will bring drinks for us, sometimes, but I’m not sitting here getting plastered in my depression. That’s a big deal.

I’m eating. Sometimes that is the first thing to go for me but, because I am being cared for, I am eating on the regular.

I leave my place long enough to care for my garden. I want it to remain growing so when I know I won’t run into people? I walk up and water. At least once a day I step foot into sunshine before coming back to my aloneness.

I’m making an attempt to write today. It’s hard. I feel lost about what to write about. I have so many things going on in my head, racing around causing confusion. Stuff about me, about my relationship, about my health. I don’t know where to begin right now. But I guess this is a start.

And with that? Back to watching Glee!

The First love Letter

We left our home April 1, 2013. We were friends, who’d experienced benefits, determined to remain independent despite embarking on this adventure.

On April 23  I wrote him a letter. I knew by then I was mad about him. Going through a book the tonight I found it tucked in.

Kind, caring friend,

I am so sweet on you that sometimes my heart feels like it will burst. It feels like every time I turn around you surprise and delight me.

You told me when I came you would do your best to make me safe and comfortable. I said I would take care of you.

Thank you for keeping your word. But you do so much more.

I love the way you teach me. You make me feel smart and capable. You are patient and you tell me when you see I am doing better at things.

I get tingly inside and out when you tell me you want to ravage me.

I appreciate when you notice I have something on my mind and you ask me to tell you. Not only do you ask but you really listen to my answers, you talk about my anxiety and you quell my fears. You make me feel cared for and protected.

You make me feel respected. You ask for my thoughts and ideas. You take them into consideration and make me feel like my role in your life is vital.

I think you are smart. Hard working. Honest. Ethical. Talented. Giving. Kind. Strong. Sexy. Stubborn. Funny. Interesting. Sensual.

You make me swoon. Weak in the knees, even. I smile when I think of you. I’m happy I came here with you. I promise to be good to you. As long as you want me here I will be. I’ll stay and take care of you. You make me feel so special,unique and wonderful.

You are so deep into my heart,

Shaunda

 

Mindfulness

On May new moon I took in three things.Mindfulness. Patience. Self control.

I have been feeling like a failure at them.

Patience? I haven’t had a chance to practice. It hasn’t been tested except that I am impatient about my own healing right now. Fail!

Self control? Debatable. Am I drinking less right now? Yep. But is is it self control? Not really. It’s being broke. However, people offer me drinks every day.  I could get stupid drunk on other people’s dime all day if I played the right cards. And I choose not to. I only accept alcohol from people who aren’t after another agenda. And I repay it always! So that is kind of self control. Still feels like a fail to me though.

Mindfulness. So this is the one that I sort of feel like I am making some headway. Insomuch as? I am  mindful of the fact I am not making the progress I want to right now.

I shouldn’t be too hard on myself. There are things I am trying very hard to be aware of right now. Like interrupting (a bad habit of mine) and how my choices are affecting people around me. So I’m being mindful of others.

However, I’m also aware that in my focus on others needs I am losing sight of what I need to do in my own life. Is that awareness or is it mindfulness? I’m choosing to think of it as mindfulness so I don’t feel like I am totally off track.

Being mindful of my goals, accepting where I am not doing as good as I want and working towards change regardless. That’s all I can hope for. So I guess I am kind of getting mindfulness.

 

Welcome Home, Belisama!

How could anyone not love this face?

Belisama was brought home to me today. She is named after the Celtic goddess of lakes, rivers and creativity. I was deciding between Bell or Sami for short. She is not dainty like a Bell. It will be Sami for short.

She has a very spunky, seemingly independent, personality but still wants to be near me at all times. She enjoyed being in my purse today when I went out (don’t wanna leave her alone on her first day with her human). She cuddles and purrs and only cries when I walk away and she can’t see me. Then she tries to find me and lay on my feet.

She is currently cuddled up beside me while type.

I have a little creature. She is mine to love and care for. She needs me and I can tell she already loves me. Kitten therapy 🙂

 

May New Moon

May 6, 2016 fell at the beginning of my parents visit. Still, I took some time in the morning to head to the beach to find some healing and give away some things I needed to give back to the universe.

On the way up the road to the beach I had an upsetting confrontation with a neighbour. I was having difficulty clearing it out of my head as I walked and debated if I would even be able to focus on what I wanted to do.

A beautiful thing happened. As I waited to cross the highway,  the wind picked up just slightly and suddenly I couldn’t hear those angry thoughts anymore. The quiet mind allowed me to temporarily set aside the emotions and focus on myself.

I had gone at low tide. The shoreline was a ways out and I had to set up my small fire pretty far from the water. It turned out to be wonderful. I was able to walk barefoot in the cool wet sand and feel the earth’s energy beneath my feet as the wind kept whispering sweet, peaceful nothing into my ears.

I made my fire circle, sat beside it and meditated for a few moments on the lies I’ve believed that brought shame into my life. I gave them, known and unknown, back to the universe. Along with them I gave back all the guilt  lived from believing them.

When I thought about the third thing I wanted to give back I chose to give back the resentment I had toward people who helped to sow the seeds of shame or guilt into my life. I don’t want letting go of my own guilt to bring bitterness toward those who made me feel guilty. Resentment would not be healthy for me.

I lit the paper on fire and placed it in the rocks to burn them away.

I walked to the ocean, stood with my palms face up, washed my feet and took in three things that I thought would help me in other areas I am struggling with. Mindfulness. Patience. Self control. All three connected and all three very challenging for me. I look forward to making powerful changes in my life by taking in these three qualities.

I sat at my mediation bench afterward for a while reflecting. I am usually focus on the cleansing of the fire and water. This new moon I am reminded that all the energy of the the universe is at my disposal. The whispering wind to calm my thoughts, and the earth on my bare feet, brought all four elements together in a very special way.

 

Don’t Tell Me What To Do

One of my biggest pet peeves is unsolicited advice. Since I was a child I haven’t liked being told what to do. I wanted the chance to make my owns mistakes.

Parents. Teachers. Friends. Co-workers. Lovers. Doctors. Lawyers. Police. The list of people I don’t take advice from is long. It includes my estranged husband, even when we were together.

He often gives me advice or assistance on things. “You should do yoga, it would help your back.” Or tells me what to do, “You’re doing it wrong. How many times do I have to show? Why is is you never listen to me?”

He’s taken to reminding me lately that I never listen to him. So I thought about it.

I do ignore his advice more often than not. It doesn’t matter if it is good advice or not. Why?

Firstly, it’s not just him. I still ignore my friends and family’s advice regularly. He is taking this very personally when it is my issue.

Secondly, when I do want advice on something or am prepared to hear it? I seek it out. That could be from him or a friend. I seek out support from online support groups. If it is something mechanical or technical, I ask someone who knows what they are doing. I even sought advice from my parents recently.

Thirdly, unsolicited advice, on things deeply personal to me are a trigger for my anxiety. It makes me feel like I am being chastised and I want to run away from whatever the situation is. Even the most simple of tasks or suggestions. I don’t have the same reaction if I’ve asked for the help.

More recently, when I didn’t take my ex’s advice, I made poor choices and mistakes. I ended up hurting him deeply. It was advice that, looking back, I should have taken. I realize it was a gigantic mistake. I have said that, asked forgiveness, and made very positive changes.

However, there are still things lingering. He says he cannot find closure or forgiveness unless I deal with one part of the situation the way he is telling. And that I should do it his way for once. My way is not enough, or fast enough, for his closure. Until then he will not move past this and does not know if he can wait for me to do this my way. Even though he has seen progress.

I am doing this my way because I need to heal from this. Not be further traumatized by it. I need to make sincere changes, not surface ones. Those changes need to come from within to be solid.

I am not doing it his way just because he told me thinks his feelings are not being considered. He tells me his heart is being broken every day I don’t chose to do it his way. I’m being selfish not to listen to him.

I have been feeling unquestionably pressured to make changes on this huge character flaw.

After reflection? If not taking advice I didn’t ask for is in fact a flaw, I have much bigger fish to fry right now. I’m never going to be perfect. As long as I continue seeking advice from people as I am able to accept it, when as I am ready for the change it will bring, I can accept this characteristic about myself.

Should I have followed his advice a year ago and maybe this could’ve been avoided? Maybe. But that is that past. The mistake was the mistake, not disregarding someone else’s directions in my life. Even my husband.

Changing the patterns of behavior will prevent me from making the same kind of mistake in the future. And for that? I’ve found a counselor to get some advice!

 

 

 

The Christian Prayer

I talked openly with my parents about my spirituality and paganism during their visit.

I respectfully explained my position about their God. I told them about my spiritual practices and the kind of healing it is bringing to my life. The kind of healing people have prayed for for years but I only found in my own spiritual path.

My mom asked me if she could pray for me at one point and I told me no thank you. She accepted that very well and just continued to ask thoughtful questions.

So why did I say no?

I have a tie to the Christian prayer. It’s where I first found my own personal power. I didn’t understand it then because I was taught it was God answering my prayers. I now understand that when I send out my energy the universe responds. Only now I understand it is me? I can finally find healing and peace in it. Instead of condemnation.

I don’t pray to my parents God. I don’t have a problem with waiting for someone to say grace or anything, but having prayer said on my behalf in front of me makes me feel uncomfortable now. So I said no.

However, after some reflection, I feel like I can tell my parents I appreciate their prayers for me, in their own time, with their God. It’s their God. If it comforts them to pray for me then I should be happy that they find peace in that.

I often send out thoughts of healing energy or love for my parents. How is that different than their prayers for me? Their love for me goes into the energy put out. Does it matter who it is too?

It doesn’t. I love that my parents are praying for me. They pray my life will find healing and peace. How cannot I not accept that?

Romantic Gestures

I marathon watch shows with relationship undertones and like watching romantic comedies when I need to cry. It means I see a lot of Hollywood style grande romantic gestures.

Serenades at windows. Chasing people down at airports. Unrealistic though they are they make me weepy and feel all warm inside about love and romance.

My estranged husband has only met my parents once before. Even though we are separated, almost especially because we are separated but still talking,  I asked him to see them with me.

He has anxiety like I do.  He’s not religious, they are very religious. Him and I are living apart and working on some deep seeded issues that my parents would know about before seeing him because they would see me first. So I knew it would be very difficult

And at first he shunned the idea. He went back and forth between being okay with it or not. I kept telling him is would mean a lot to me. That it was important to me.

In the end? He agreed to spend the time. We trail walked and went for dinner. But at the end of dinner he and I had a fight in front of them at the restaurant. I walked out to my parents car. He walked out too, and, walked home (miles). Kind of awful. It was two days ago.

Him and I communicated about it in email. Argued. But in the end we found some understanding for each others position. That’s all we can hope for right now.

I let him know they were leaving today. I told him if he wanted to say goodbye before they leave we could meet for coffee. I let him know they still see him as their son-in-law so they would be kind. But that I wouldn’t pressure him this time.

This morning when my parents were leaving and I had them drive me up the road to the laundry on their way out. Guess who was there to say goodbye?

He spent some time with my dad while I said some things to my mom about how happy I was with our visit. He wished my mom Happy Mother’s Day. It was a nice goodbye.

Too me? That is the real life equivalent of the Hollywood romantic gesture.

The Guilt Lie

There are different kinds of guilt.

Sometimes you are actually guilty of something that you did that is an actual harm (my definition of crime – if you harm the life, liberty or property of another or commit fraud).

But sometimes guilt is a response of responding to your inner “good vs bad” morals. When you are birthed and raised in Christianity? Morals can get confusing. As a result guilt becomes a prominent portion of your life.

I had a wonderful conversation with my very Christian parents while they were visiting. They know me. Their gentle probing brought a giant healing memory to my mind.

When I was pre-school, approximately 3 years old, I pulled a fire alarm at our church. It caused chaos. And after the service? I was made to sit in the church foyer until I would apologize.

I was terrified.I couldn’t even speak for hours. But I had to sit there until I could.

I don’t remember squeaking out a sorry. I only recall sitting in shame for what seemed like a lifetime. But  I got to leave so I must have apologized.

The lie? Even the simplest and most innocent act, if someone else feels it is wrong, you are guilty.

THAT is a lie. A lie that has affected every area of my life for a very long time! I’ve felt guilt for my own existence at times because I felt I was evil.

Letting go of the guilt about my entrenched, but unnecessary, ‘morals’ that have nothing to do with something I should feel guilty for? Guilt is one of the things I let go of May new moon, the day after this revelation, and I already feel release. I am totally going to heal from that!