The Slow, Slow Road To Change

My desire to change, whether chosen or forced, has not fallen by the wayside however my struggle with depression overshadowed any actual motivation to take steps. Until now.

I was talking to my doctor about options for help, like medications, for alcoholism. I have been taking one for several weeks and it has helped. I am so enthused about it I plan to write a post about it separately.

I have started to make modifications to the way I eat and exercise. Small changes that some might think won’t make a huge difference. And so far? They haven’t really made a big impact on my body. It’s only been five days. I have noticed a significant change in my mood and motivation. I have kept a daily journal about it which is helping me maintain my focus.

Here is a peek at Day 1 -4 of my road to change:

Day 1 – 8:20am Feeling hopeful. I had a shower first thing this morning. Did my dishes. Made coffee. I want to do something to be active today but I am having trouble getting to it. I’m going to try and do something though. (later) I dusted my TV stand, used lotion on my face, made tea. I did some basic stretches and 7.5 minutes on the elliptical. Tips for tomorrow? Stretch BEFORE elliptical and wear runners. I took out my recycling. And I tried a new recipe. Cauliflower and spinach with golden raisins and carmelized onions.

Day 2 – 7:57am Woke up at 6:45. I am drinking tea and water today. No coffee. I am sore this morning and my sciatica is hurting. I did some light stretching. I want to go for a walk to town this afternoon because it’s going to be sunny and +8 degrees. I also want to do the elliptical again today. With proper shoes. And hopefully get to at least 10 minutes. Mu ultimate goal is 30 minutes a day plus toning and strengthening exercises in targeted areas.

I want to do some self care today as well. I’m going to take care of my nails by tidying them up. Shave my legs. If I clean my bathroom good I can celebrate with hot bubble bath. I want to work on having healthier skin. I think taking care of these things will help me feel more like going out and being active.

9:40am I did more stretching before and after the elliptical. I got to 10 minutes before my sciatica made me stop. Wearing shoes helped though. I’m going to look up some specific stretches for my lower back and hip. I am going to push myself to add 2.5 minutes each day until I am st my goal of 30. (later) Looked up the stretches and more information about sciatica pain management.

I helped my friend with his taxes. I didn’t go for my walk. I did clean my bathroom. I scrubbed my tub so I can have a hot bath later. I have Lavender Honey bubble bath later. Instead of wine with my bath I am going to make some Nighty Night tea. Changing rituals isn’t easy but it’s necessary if I want to be healthy.

Day 3 – 8:00am I’m up a half a pound. It feels defeating. I’m reminding myself it’s natural. I started my period last evening and I am totally bloated. However that also means I missed my bubble bath. This morning I feel like a failure already. (sidenote not in my journal: I already don’t take frequent baths because I don’t like sitting in my own filth and I shower right after. Taking a bath on my period would be like sitting in menstrual douche… never!!)

Picking up my journal to start recording failure was difficult. But I read over the first two days and was reminded of how many things I did in a slow, steady fashion the past few days and how good it felt. In doing my best to create a routine of some sort I felt a spark of motivation. I ate the weird organic oatmeal my friend gave me. Drank a cup of tea and a litre of water, did my stretches and got on the elliptical. Challenges? My back is so sore today. And the entire time I was on the machine it was making a strange clicking sound. I ignored the sound and finished the entire 12.5 minutes. I also did ten squats and ten sit-ups. My daily increase goal is working.

After my ride? I found the right tool and fixed the click. Turns out a bolt in the handle was loose and the flat piece of metal between the nut and the handlebar was rattling. I tightened all the nuts and solved the problem. While that may seem insignificant to some people I know a month ago I would not have been able to do it. I was so depressed I could barely shower. Today it was something I accomplished.

I get bloodwork done today and I see my nurse practitioner for a shot. I’m going to walk to town for that. I’m promising myself I won’t get wine. My new med is helping but I still get tempted because wine was such a daily ritual for me. I need to find a new ritual to replace it.

Self care today? I used tea bags under my eyes to reduce puffiness. I took the time to blow dry my hair and used a bit of makeup to go out for my appointment. Used lotion on my skin again and it is feeling softer. I did walk to town. I didn’t stop and get wine. So fucking proud of myself for that.

My nurse surprised me by giving me a test I have been waiting for a several months to get. An ABI (ankle brachial index). There were no problems. It’s good to know my heart is in good health. So far my muscle issues are not neurological or heart related.

Day 4 – 8:00am I woke up with bad pain in the back of my heel. It’s my right heel which is the same side as my sciatica and my broken ankle. I looked some things up online and based on the type and place of pain it seems like Achilles tendonitis or bursitis in the heel. They are very similar and have similar causes and treatments. Causes? Overstretching the tendon, improper stretching of calf muscles and/or sudden increase in activity. If it feels better later I will still do the elliptical but I am also going to take the advice from the Mayo Clinic website. Ice it twice a day and use naproxen or ibuprofen for inflammation. Also take it easy.

9:00am I found my ankle brace. I put it on and now I am walking better. I did floor stretches for my sciatica so I wouldn’t pull on the tendon as much and I am sure I will be able to do my elliptical in a bit.

11:00am – Made it to 15 minutes. I had to stop once to stretch my hip for 30 seconds but I did get to my next interval toward my 30 minute goal. I took some naproxen. My heel doesn’t hurt right now but what read said Achilles tendonitis is generally worse in the morning. Now I am mostly going to relax and nurse myself today. I want to get some writing done, maybe bake muffins for my neighbours and simply enjoy a quiet Friday.

Later – My nurse called. My B12 is still super low so I am still on weekly shots instead of switching to monthly.

~end of journal entries

That’s my first few days of change. Yesterday I made sure to relax, use proper posture for my back and use the ice on my heel. When I woke up this morning? My sciatica was hardly noticeable. My heel is sore but not as bad. Today is going to be a great day. I am striving for 17.5 minutes elliptical today. Later I am going to a new moon healing circle with a friend. It will be my first time going to this group so I am nervous but also looking forward to it.

Change is slowly happening but I am feeling really positive for the first time in a very long time.